Ray

Wow....silliness at its best.

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 07:02:21 GMT

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Ray
Birthday:	November 5th, 1981
Birthplace:	Old Bridge, nj
Current Location:	Old Bridge, nj
Eye Color:	Blue (different shades)
Hair Color:	Blue...opps. Brown
Height:	5'10
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	French canadian, irish, german, slavokian
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Rockin' the payless
Your Weakness:	self imposed limitations
Your Fears:	Self-confidence
Your Perfect Pizza:	Mushrooms galore
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	german, guitar, violin, russian, spanish and how to dance the irish jig all learned.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	Racelly Rabbit
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Holy shit, did i just piss myself?
Your Best Physical Feature:	The little windows to the soul
Your Bedtime:	whenever sleep overtakes me.
Your Most Missed Memory:	The ones I cant remember.....sigh
Pepsi or Coke:	COOOOOFFFFFFFEEEEEEE!!!!
MacDonalds or Burger King:	COOOOOFFFFFFFEEEEEEE!!!!
Single or Group Dates:	nights out with my computer.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	COOOOOFF....ok you got the point.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Strazberry.
Cappuccino or Coffee:	hot chocolate
Do you Smoke:	Fuck no.
Do you Swear:	Fuck yeah.
Do you Sing:	Fuck-in YEAHHHHHHHHHHH
Do you Shower Daily:	if the dirt on me resembles a layer of clothes....
Have you Been in Love:	always am, always will be and soon hope to dig up a deeper layer.
Do you want to go to College:	Always
Do you want to get Married:	She must be really really worthy (not over playing this....she must be really worthy by my standards to even consider it a possibility)
Do you belive in yourself:	I believe in my ability to destroy, maim, kill, pillage, cause others misery. Everything else is just a passing breeze.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	When hung upside down, spun at 200 MPH with flashing images of clowns....sure.
Do you think you are Attractive:	Nope. I am the beast.
Are you a Health Freak:	Well I like my health. If I didnt, I would be shoveling in cyanide, right?
Do you get along with your Parents:	They are only people themselves and prone to silliness.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	More then you can even imagine
Do you play an Instrument:	attempting upon many levels
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	hahaha....uhhh...No-eah
In the past month have you Smoked:	Fuck no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Caffine baby.....the one drug that matters.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Fuck no. Wait....misdirected aggression. With my computer ever night, then yep!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	sadly yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	29 boxes to be exact
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	atleast once a week
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Sure have. I preformed the one man show of west side story.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	...out of a moving truck? SURE!
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	in my tub, creek and neighbors shed.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	The ladies lil' hearts. You all know what I mean....Mmmmhmmmm. Wait. I am a pirate. ARGH!
Ever been Drunk:	HAHAHAH.....nope. But I am reading JM Barrie's peter pan
Ever been called a Tease:	by my own leg, yep. It had an itch and I kept toying with the little bugger.
Ever been Beaten up:	with words....woe is me
Ever Shoplifted:	nope but I imagine lifting a whole entire shop would be damn near impossible.
How do you want to Die:	drowning, crushed by books, chased by wild animals, thrown by a moving car and frozen/starved.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Young
What country would you most like to Visit:	germany, austrailia, ireland, germany and canada
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	I want.....
Favourite Hair Color:	Nothing more....
Short or Long Hair:	then someone.....
Height:	who is as mad.....
Weight:	as a hatter. Seriously, someone who can shrug the game off.
Best Clothing Style:	Ones burned. BURNED! BUUUUURRRRNNNNNED!
Number of Drugs I have taken:	How many fingers do I have again? Oh wait....1
Number of CDs I own:	more then can be imagined
Number of Piercings:	None....bodily mortification isnt fun unless its truly a battle wound
Number of Tattoos:	None....number of scars? many more wonderful stories then anyone with a tattooo would get. Unless your the toad.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	All of it has brought me to today so not a single thing. If I truly did regret it, I would be doing something to change the situation now instead of rolling over and dieing
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I invite all of you to speak your mind to me, regardless of what it is or how worried you are to how i might feel towards it. All that built up aggression, LET IT POUR! All that anxiety created......THROW IT AT MY HEAD! All that admiration, deception and any other large words that arent needed to make my point, pour forth my fellow-ie. Be the bastard weve been created to be! Long live my shorts! VIVA LA REVOLSHORTS!

(3 am has taken its toll, so please consider this a disclaimer to dismiss everything of this entry)

Call upon my little friends and demand their services for they shall offer with such devotion, it will knock your shoelaces loose! Love or hate me...but just do something. Respond damn you all, RESPOND! Type bull shit! Type words! TYPEPTYEPTYEPTYEPTYEOrotpertkrogk,

CURSES!

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 06:28:28 GMT

I wish to stomp dandelions and dangle my feet in the creek but it is 2am and the damn mosquitos with feast upon my flesh. So I curse! CURSE CURSE CURSE!

New entertainment for all the kiddies....

Tue, 31 May 2005 00:56:29 GMT

I am still alive. Suprised? I hope not too much. Yeah.
So I wanted to quick tell you all of something new Ive been totally engulfed in. I found this website through my ring of piracy that is devoted to scientific research in all different walks. One of the main studies right now happens to be cancer and the fight against it. So this website and system is based off of the individuals over the internet and all the computing is done by them. Stick with me here.
There is a central server that dictates what info needs to be analyzed (protien structure/ lenguids...other words that shoot right over my head) and what it does is sends a small bit of information over the net to the individual computer which does the analyzing, processing of the information and then ships it back to the main server. Now by having 3000 people per say all connected to this server, the web of processing is the equivelent of a few super computers. And by the public using there computers to process the information, the research cost is cut down to such an extent that the money side of the research will not inhibit its movement. The program runs on the spare processing power that is being unused at any given moment and doesnt inhibit any processing of info you need or dictate. Point being, it doesnt get in your way, runs in the background and helps further the research needed to fight cancer through more useful means rather then the destructive nature of the current techniques.
Now the reason it matters is the fact that both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer in the same month. Ive also multiple aunts, uncles and 2 of my 4 surviving grandparents also have had it. I leave my PC up 24/7 anyhow with the silliness that is my past time so letting the program do its business and perhaps doing something about an issue which is close to home, may be an issue of my own soon or just an issue that is ruining lifes left and right....
The website is www.grid.org. I also signed up a team for personal amusement but its totally unneeded. If you leave your PC up all night anyhow connected to a cable net, please think about doing this. I will even clip your toe nails or wash your toliet if you do. (You just have to show me proof and allow me a few moments to build up some guts)

Rocking be I !

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 05:11:37 GMT

Acts of ego

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 02:18:53 GMT

...is all this journal is. An ego isnt something I am very gifted at or atleast an awareness of it but damned if it doesnt feel awkward to write about myself even in private. This is why i havent bothered updating in a while nor even bullshited around with those daily rants that I used to do. Sorry if it was a dissapointment to anyone who did find any enjoyment in reading my banter but it felt just silly. Ive tried to even write personal journals and they seem a waste. I want to inform you all I am eccentric if not mad and that is all there is to it. Until next time, whenever that shall be, the best to you all.

Daily Update: Fooling ones self

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 20:52:40 GMT

How often do we do it. We tell ourselves one thing knowing damn well that we are lying to ourselves but we still do it. We keep insisting that it is a certain way, that the world is the color we see even though subconciously and in our heart we know differently. Anyway point being, I havent been back logging the D.O.s. Anyone suprised?

I have moved into the house and havent been in too much of a hurry to have the cable net turned on and to tell you the truth, theres really been only a few occasions that I went through withdrawl. Its especially difficult to not be able to connect and find the answer to any question my mind so often comes up with. Also good old lonliness kicked in on one night in praticular and I was forced to engulf myself in a book to take my mind off it. But alas, the house is turning out to be a great thing for myself. Ive been able to appreciate life a tad more now having it under my control on many levels as well as the freedom to sing at the top of my lungs, throw carrots over the creek for deer to eat and walk around in the nude are just a few minor things ive come to cheerish. Anyhow enough of this shiny happy talk....I am going to go check out more books from the shelves surrounding me and get lost for long hours. If anyone has the whimsical desire......hmm....well writting my physical address in here may not be the most intelligent thing to do so whimsical desires BE DAMNED!

Daily Observation: A parents love

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 03:22:39 GMT

Today is my last day in my fathers house so come tomorrow when we unload the moving truck, I am offically moving out. My father is clearly taking it much better then I was expecting but in some ways hes not. Ive been on edge with him since I moved in as well as with this house. When I moved in, I didnt feel this to be a long term thing and when i told myself that I would stay here for a year, I never said "or more". Still, staying here, I have become a little spoiled to which I must break that feeling in half. Life needs to be a fight for survival or else its just boring as snot. Anyway that is all silliness so back on the point now....my fathers reaction. He had a talk with me last night and was shocked when I said I am moving out in a couple of days. I apologized for the short notice but told him that I myself didnt have anything set in stone until 8 days ago. When I origionally told him, I made mention of a minor probationary period that my uncle has me on of three months before I am aloud to bring someone else in. He misunderstood me and thought I wouldnt be moving out for three months. So today we had anouther talk about minor things like the cable modem, a few peices of furniture, how I am always welcome to come back and stay on days I have off to keep maggie company.....
All of this rambeling brings me to the point that while living in this house and prior to moving back, I saw my father as a angry man and miserable with live and people. I formed a very one sided view of him. The beauty is that I had to move back in here, become a child again, deal with the trials of growing up in my parents eyes and then leaving the nest to break myself of that view of him. He is still a pain in the rear at times and we have severe personality clashes...and I know both of those things are felt mutually...but still, I truly am thankful of him and love him dearly. Just another trial I had to face on the path of self-understanding, I guess.

(((Final note:))) I may be without a modem for a little bit in the new house so the D.O.s will be back logged once I get the chance. So to all my readers I havent scared off yet, I apologize. Oh and if there is anyone who reads this trash...shame on you. Opps. Let me say this instead, when reading any of my entries, if they feel like they make sence, make you realize something you havent, or hell...disagree with them passionately, RESPOND! Its pointless to be writting these things if 1)people dont read them or 2)people are too timid to actually write a response. All I ask is you think before you write and dont respond with condensed entries. Write out your thoughts as I do and if rambling is necessary, then by golly, ramble away!

Daily observation: two for the price of none

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 06:16:27 GMT

From someone close to my heart and mind...
"hey hey hey... ray man... i have a question for you... i am planning on completing a thru-hike of the appalachian trail relatively soon... and i was wondering if there was any possibility i could coerse you to trudge about 2160 miles through rain and sleet and snow and heat and etc. with me... eh? two relatively inexperienced hikers roughing it? the thing is, you would be the perfect personality to complete the trail with me... i think we could do it without killing eachother, you know? and i think that there would be a degree of mutual intellectual respect of one another and in that we could hit both individual revelations and have suiting conversation at the same time... you should hit me back with what you think... i think itd be awesome if youd be willing to complete it with me
but if not, thats cool, too... email me if you want, or call
the way i figure it... im not a huge outdoorsy person... but... i do respect nature and i do feel as though we are all connected in some way, shape or form... and i think that an excursion as such will at least provide a good headstart to true understanding of things... i think it will be amazing. ill do whatever it takes to convince you to come, ray. i think that between the two of us... we could damn near decypher the world."
...thank you.

Second on the list is what I origionally intended to write about which is drugs. Yes people drugs. You all heard of it and maybe some of you tried it but it will only lead to doom!
Really now, I had a nice long conversation with my cousin today about understanding and in turn it sparked alot of wonderful thoughts which lead me full circle and I understood something as clear as crystal. The arguement is I enjoy speculating about everything. I try to understand everything I see around me, formulate my own theory and then utilize previous knowledge to compare it to my own. If the other knowledge is closer to the truth of the object/action/event, I assimulate it into my own understanding....if I can see through it as a one sided view of it, I dismiss it. Everyone does it to some level, but I aim at the type of stuff like does the molecular structure of a poptart change when it is heated up and the cools back down again as well as how a rainbow exists. It really urks the hell out of keith sometimes to get him on a subject he doesnt know anything about and then try to hold a conversation about it. Probobly would have the same effect on anyone, I do recon. So it then lead me on the thought path of how if someone goes through life speculating and trying to understand everything going on around them and forms a great understanding of the world with the attempt to keep it from being a one sided social influenced understanding....they would have a hell of a time offering the same understanding of others who hasnt done the same. That doesnt make much sence and I am much to tired to offer an example. Regardless to explain to someone your understanding of the world is to rely on the idea that they shared the like experiences in life. If there is too big of a gap of experiences, the understanding between two people will be slightly askewed. The larger the gap, the less understanding until finally both people look at each other as complete idiots when in fact both people may have a different understanding of the "world" due to different experiences. Truth is a matter of perception and your perception must be run through your mind before it will make sence as something more then just objects and actions. We must give words to all things in order to form thoughts about them and eventually "understand them" and formulate a truth. Two people can have the easily see the same experience as totally different things and when one trys to explain, it fails miserably. Now in alot of the buddhist texts Ive been reading it talks about opening yourself up to the oneness by shedding your earthly self.....becoming enlightened.(I did that no justice) Herman Hesse wrote about how you must open yourself up to all of life to reach the devine. Huxley in his perenial philosophy wrote about a "oneness" to everything and how all religions and understanding are derived from the same thing but are different due to social, intellectual and just perception. The more you cling to silly anxieties that is instilled in us since birth, the further away we get from the devine understanding of life. Now arguably this is just my perception of things and its been influenced by all the experiences Ive had and learned from.....
Just some things are the way they are becuase people are different. Some people need competiviness while others renounce it. Some need others while others crave solitude. Some obey without question while others question too much for their own good. Anyhow what works best for all of you and offers the most fufillment, I accept with a smile. Just dont be afraid to doubt and strengthen any idea of truth you have in your head and this is in any regards.

Daily observation: Blurb

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 05:46:52 GMT

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.
When we consider what, to use the words of the catechism, is the chief end of man, and what are the true necessaries and means of life, it appears as if men had deiberately chose the common mode of living becuase they preferred it to any other. Yet they honestly think there is no choice left."
--Walden by HDThoreau--

A nice little quote from walden that I feel pretains to alot of people nowadays. People all have regrets in the past and even more so right now in the present. They feel so strongly for what they must do but they fight the urge due to the idea that life is only the way they see it. I think it has to do alot with being surrounded with people of the like attitude (social upbringing) and in turn its difficult to evolve in your personality without being exposed to new things. Fine. Family also does a number on people keeping them tied down to a life of misery. Even I was hesitant to find a stronger sence of peace due to worry of how my family might react...but I can imagine someone living their whole life with parents giving the impression that this is the way of the world and anything else leads to DOOOOM!!! So many people living lives of quiet desperation and even more living it in despair. Bloody hell.

Daily Observation: New development

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 03:30:51 GMT

I am moving out and the realization of this just hit me. Before it was an idea which has been beating around in my head for a few months now. An idea is nothing and you can be so sure of it when some action is in an idea form. Its so easy and safe to have them but when you have to act out your plans and take action, the anticipation becomes almost unbearable but also its laced with fear. I told my father tonight about my plans to move into my uncles house and he took it as I was hoping he would but never believed was possible....hurt but calm and accepting. I was hesitant to tell him till after thanksgiving out of worry I would ruin the holiday for him and the family and tonight was the first night I saw fit. He was clearly upset and when I explained to him that I want to take on the responsibility for myself, he was reassured that its for the best. He tried to suttley make me rethink but I think he knew its what I feel to be right. Well that was when it was in idea form. Now I am scared shitless people. I told him sitting around a small fire during a pure father son moment, then spent the night playing pool with him and my step-brother-in law and playing with my niece for most of the day. I also went to barnes and noble and walked the mall. Everything seemed so beautiful today that it actually made me rethink this whole idea for a split second....and it doesnt help to know that when I go into that house, i will be alone. Keith is up the street which is good, and as I said in my last entry I appreciate and need solitude but I really took for granted spending the past year in this house. I was spoiled with no responsibility and had two parents there that loved me in their own way. I will be up the road but I know its something I am going to miss. Scared shitless...eventually I will have anouther person move in IF my uncle permits me to bring in someone myself as well as spend my time furthering myself without the same distractions I had over here....so there isnt much meat to these anxieties. Its just the knowledge that this is something that is going to happen now and it will be a total lifestyle change for me. I will be the one in control of the household which is something I have never been able to do. First it was mother, then my close friend minh, my brother and now dad and all of them had there plus sides but always I had my room as my sanctuary and they had the rest. Finally I can walk nude from my room to the kitchen and maybe dance a little bit and not have to worry about someone else in the house. Crazy thoughts, I know but still excitement for the unknown. Fear also.
Just so you all know, I am moving a 5 miles up the road (at the most) to a 3 bedroom ranch house with alot of distance between neighbors and myself. Perhaps I can take that naked thing up a notch....BAM!

Daily Observation: Hermititis

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 02:18:40 GMT

For all of you that know me, I suffer from a complex called Hermititis. Yes people, I am a flawed sorry soul. Hermititis, as said by me, is a complex where you are introverted unlike most and enjoy the company of yourself more so then others. Now I dont mean anything bad when I say this, but the complex makes it that way so dont get mad at me! Anyhow, the reason for bringing this up is yesterdays Thanksgiving celebration and an outing today with my stepbrother. I am an introvert, plain and simple. I enjoy the company of others when I desire it but when I dont, the interaction is actually exuasting to me. When I go out, alot of times its just to be alone and sitting, contemplating what in the world I am going to write for tomorrows D.O. or other such stuff. Now most times, I have a choice wheather or not I am around others but on the rare occasion of family gatherings, theres no escaping it. I felt forced to talk, to be around these people and it didnt help to have my room right there on the backside of the house beconing me to run and hide in this wonderful safe zone. I try to sit and be civil and I was for most of the night, but when the anxiety started to pick up with everyone else and their minor clashes (usually my fathers opinions but other times others) I had to get away. I felt horrible for going to my room and hiding becuase in a sence that is what I did. I really felt like a coward but then again I know there are others like me. All the reading ive done into CG Jungs work, Introverts are 25% of the population and some are more so then others.

One thing Ive always known and take great pride in is that people take to me quickly. I get the reaction from people that it appears like they've known me for most of their lives and other such things. Most people I interact with considers me a great person and I dont have issues with people. Rarely do I give a reason for an issue and have an extreme amount of patience for everything. Point of all this rambling is that I wish to point out that I feel strongly for all my friends as well as family but when I go a period without talking to you, please dont lay a guilt trip on me. The one issue I have with EVERYONE is my seperation from them. I have done it since middle school so this isnt a new development. I spent the night trying to explain to my stepbrother why I enjoy reading so much and why I am hesitant to go out with him. His idea of fun would be a night club with loud music, females and alot of drinking. Mine would be either myself or one other person, a rented movie and pure randomness. *sigh*

I am just sick and tired of getting the response that there is something wrong with me becuase I get tired quickly around most people. Rarely do I find someone that I can spend long hours with but when I do, I tresure them. My stepbrother went into this speech about how I need to get out more and learn how to have fun. I was actually offended becuase I just explained to him that I dont like big groups and how I enjoy sitting with a book or...jesus this D.O. is freaking pointless. I cant keep my concentration enough to explain and even if I do, what will it matter. The world is made of extroverted people and we as human beings are made as pack animals and I am flawed becuase I enjoy solitude. I am a flawed sorry soul who doesnt know how to enjoy himself and needs to be constantly made to feel bad for not forcing himself to call on people and interact when all he wants to do is roam the woods or sit and contemplate life. Woe is me....I am a sorry soul soon to die becuase I cant walk the way of the herd and in a sence dont wish to. Yep people, enough rambeling.

Daily Observation: Simple smells to carry you away

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 04:48:06 GMT

Ive discovered how pleasant a peach tea can really smell. Anyway I just deleated this whole observation due to this feeling of anger where I am aiming to offend with my words. I dont particularly care for smoking and started saying nasty things. Its disgusting and I dont like it. Anyhow the peach tea i got at the bookstore today lasted over 2 hours becuase I was enjoying the smell so much. I just focusing my attention on the smallest things and not really trying to think but just enjoying the event for what it is to be the most beautiful thing to be done. Like smelling the peach while reading, stopping to listen to the leaves russel in the fall or watching the rain drops...all these things have a hidden beauty that is easily overlooked when cought up in the hustle of daily life. To which I reply, BAH!

Daily Observation: Bell Ringers

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 03:28:41 GMT

Walking up to barnes and noble today, after an anxiety filled run in with my father an hour ago, I found myself to be quite cheerful. Now most run-ins usually leave me miserable but it must of been the gloomy day or the knowledge I was about to dive into Herman Hesse's "Beneath the Wheel", I had a bounce to my step. Anyhow I made it to the coffee shop and realized there was a slight chill in the air and here this little old black man was ringing a bell for the salvation army. Now I make it a point to shy away from these people due to the fact that I feel most charities to be corrupt and those that arent must deal with the flawed nature of charities. To search far and wide for help for the few and distant....this doesnt reel people in for donations. When people who have the money to spare for charities walk by a bell ringer, they see someone working and not all those poor people without food. All those people that need the money is nothing but an idea as is all the ladies fighting breast cancer and children in third world countries. They are all ideas and dont appear to be real to us in our modern comercialized society. Although, these are my views of the world and I dont expect them to be the same for everyone or anyone else for that matter.
So back on track here, I looked at this man and felt the chill and the bounce in my step and thought this man is probably working for minimum wage for a charity corporation (becuase he surely wasnt a volunteer) and is probably quite poor himself. I dont know if any of the donations would go to him in the end or if he was pocketing anything going into the bucket...I didnt and still dont care about that. I walked up and tapped him on the shoulder and offered to by him anything from Starbucks. It was quite amusing when I walked back in and the cafe' people were looking at me smiling. I handed the gent the coffee and got the usual preprogramed response of "thank you and godbless" (to which I have grown to detest) and went to be lost for 7 hours in my book. So at home now and thinking, alot of times these bell ringers are ragedy souls clearly poverty level and are out there ringing that damned bell for long hours on end. Come winter time, they are wrapped up tight with their nose running, snot freezing, bodies shivering and they scream for pity. That pity reels people in for donations (sorta like young kids asking for donations and little girl scouts with high pitched voices yelling WANNA BUY SOME COOKIES?!). To me personally, I saw the poverty level guy and had to do something to make his days a little better. And to me personally, I didnt care to donate money to those I couldnt see. Perhaps I am a bastard for this.

Daily Observation: Self awareness

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 02:15:31 GMT

Sitting at Barnes and Noble today for five hours, I was really juiced up on some caffine and while trying to concentrate on my book, everything around me kept screaming for my attention. Anyway this is a usual thing when I happen to drink to much coffee or tea and there is an art to handling the "high" and utilizing it to the fullest. The real point is while sitting there in their tall chairs, I had the back of my hoodie pulled up with the under shirt which bared about a 1 inch crecent of my back. So here I am engulfed in "fight club" by Chuck Palahniuk when I take notice of the cold air blowing on that one small spot. Well I stopped reading and paid very close attention to that one spot only instead of my whole body, the book and the world around me. In my mind, i saw this one spot on my backside right about my tailbone exposed to everyone walking by and the skin being white from the chill and the small hairs standing on end. Then I thought further into it to remove the flesh and the muscles underneathe slightly shaking and the bones under those doing what bones do...boney stuff. Then the awareness spread out from that point to the rest of my body. It went down to my legs which one was crossed under the other which was hanging and shaking back and forth. To my arms which were holding my head up and the book under the hanging light. To my eyes in my skull, hair on my head, chest rising and falling. Then it went and spread out even more to the cloathes I was wearing, the chair I was sitting in, the people in the room surrounding. I saw myself sitting in a corner of barnes and noble cafe with these big headphones on and this perplexed look on my face. Right then I decided it was time to finish the chapter and call it a night becuase there isnt that much concentration capable after a moment like that.
On the way back home, I thought about the muscles and bones moving as I walked and the lungs underneathe my chest inhaling and exhaling.... This made me wonder why in the world arent these things more aparent to me in my daily life. Why is it that the only time I really think about the individual part or the body make up in whole...why do I only think of it when the pain draws the attention to that spot? Otherwise I go on in my daily life oblivious to my body as a miraculous machine. And now it makes me wonder why the hell I allow cheap gas to be put inside of the tank or peices and parts to go uncared for. Its not just that one day the car will breakdown...its that the daily life of the car and the efficentcy of the machine will deteriorate until nearing end, its worth squat.

Daily Observation: Question...

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 17:35:21 GMT

Why is it there is so much anxiety between family members and yet no one thinks to do anything about it? WE all react to all the things going on in our lives and of course sometimes all that worry, anger and anxiety can be projected right out of you onto others. Who better then family? Your around them everyday and usually your not particularly fond of them. Even married couples and parents with their children....its perfectly fine to admit that they get under your skin and urk the living hell out of you. We are all human beings and there is only so much we can take at times without blowing up. The problem I am bring up lies in people that dont blow up and sit there saying everything is fine....everything is fine...and they chant it in their head with the wish that perhaps by saying it, it will be. Everyone cant hide all the anxiety in themselves and usually you can tell when you interact with anouther person when something might be wrong. In family situations or as Ive seen in my own and others around me, when one person gets anxious, the rest react in a very negative way thus providing more negativity. If everyone is reacting to the others negativity and not really thinking positive, of course the whole aura of the house will take on a negative tone. There is some homes you walk in and its pratically suffocating with sadness and anger. Anyhow I just find it horribly sad to think that instead of being a place of comfort and nuturemnt, instead families are becoming powder kegs of misery. Ive made it a point of bridging a gap with my step mother for this reason and try to go right to my problems and lay them up for her. If I am anxious for whatever reason becuase of something going on, I try my damnedest to get it out in the open. Though this isnt always true for all of you who know my father. Oh well. Encouragement and love instead of redirected anxiety is the point of this D.O.

Daily Observation: Birthday wishes of madness

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 07:34:53 GMT

What better of a way to wish someone a happy birthday then to observe it. Yes people....Happy birthday dear jessica and hope its as crazy as tap dancing penguins on acid.

Daily Update: Finding the misplaced

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 04:22:29 GMT

Sometimes there is nothing more meaningful then just a walk. Walking from Barnes and Nobles earlier I wanted to roll in the dead leaf ridden grass but withheld the crazy urge and kept walking. It is or rather was 11pm, the moon slightly peeking out from behind the clouds and a chilly warmth to be felt. Anyhow I was kicking the leafs up with each step while chasing my shadow and felt this severe peace of mind that lead to just pure bliss. My smile stretched ear to ear and instead of putting some sort of intellectual depressing nonsence, I felt the need to share this with you all. Try to take notice of everything going on around you and forget all your life worries for the things that matter and the things that make life worth living, in my opinion of course, are those things that are always there but so under appreciated.

Daily Observation: Thoughts

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 04:41:34 GMT

When someone is around a way of thinking there whole life, they sadly become prisoners to it. Take for instance someone who learns to think about money as the total life. Everything in life is based around money and no one does anything unless it directly involves making or spending money....more of the earlier of course. Every action must involve saving money to save for a big day when needed and saving even on that big day becuase there is always a bigger day around the corner. Any selfless action made without the concern for money is ludacris and total insanity.
Now with that example said about most of the american society lets bring up the artististic crowd. They live with bare minimum. Everything they have is usually the cheapest items they can find due to money constraints on their life styles. They create which is their fufillment in life. Their goals consist of living to see the beauty or complexity or any emotion in life. They usually do not concern themselves with any serious anxieties that our bourgeois society is based around. They are usually quite eccentric and a tad scary to most people unexposed to those people.
Now these are two of billions of types of thinking that make up our society but when we are tought from birth about one way, it becomes our cell. We are limited to thinking that its bad to be an artist, its good to be artistic, that money should be dispised...loved....desired, that the point in life is to get married..have kids...settle down...work your life till retirement, live every day to the fullest and never marry. Two opposing ways of thinking but regardless, when faced with a different opinion on a subject we either oppose it outright when we compare it to our own or acknowledge its existence and perhaps asimulate it into our way of thinking. When something is told to us during our development years, we take this to be the truth to life and in turn its mostly the earlier point, that we oppose everything that contradicts our views. This does include religious beliefs, personal hygeine, cloathing styles, political beliefs....everything. If someone is shown that one type of people is bad earlier in life or one race should be feared, the rest of their life most will stay that way. I just discovered I was looking at it too broad. Some people can accept things and asimulate but usually thats not the case. Bugger....I just talked with a family member earlier today who is having difficulties breaking his way of thinking about everyone that my cousin and I had a long discusion about only to come home and notice the same thing about my father. Perhaps I made a point somewhere in here, and perhaps next time I should save the D.O. for when I am more awake.

Daily Observation: sigh

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 06:34:50 GMT

"WASHINGTON - U.S. deaths in Iraq this month are approaching 100, making it the second-deadliest month since American forces invaded the country in March 2003, Pentagon records show.

The worst month was last April, with 135 deaths, when the insurgency intensified and U.S. Marines fought fierce battles in Fallujah, only to be withdrawn from the city. That was part of a failed attempt to put the now-defunct Fallujah Brigade of U.S. and allied Iraqi forces in charge....

An exact and fully current count of U.S. deaths is difficult to obtain because of time lags between the military's initial reporting of attacks and the subsequent identification of the individual casualties."
http://www.comcast.net/News/DOMESTIC//XML/1152_Cabinet/9e915d9c-39e2-4135-a154-2728dc42c1b1.html

Lets say average deaths is about 100 a month of American soilders... and this war has been going on for 3 years now if not more. The total deaths of americans ranges up there 3,600 people who died in a country that doesnt want us there and continue to fight for that reasoning. I am not talking about terrorists, which the media has stopped calling them but insurgents. An insurgent is "Rising in revolt against established authority, especially a government. OR Rebelling against the leadership of a political party." Anyhow 3,600 people have lost their lives in a country that didnt praticularly have much to do with 9/11 as far as I can tell nor did they have weapons, nor are they the only one to have terrorists in their country. And we, the people, used our goverment granted powers to vote to continue on this escapade of madness. Since Bush doesnt have to worry about an election now, his administration is going to have a field day and not hold back for what they wanted to do. Its just going to get progressively worse as time goes on. Oh well.

Daily Observation: NEW WONDER PILL!

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 04:22:56 GMT

An attempt to encourage updating more frequently....probably doomed like all others. Bleugh.

Watching the news the other day, I found myself being told of a new wonder pill. For those who havent been exposed to this miraculas invention of modern man, the pill is called Rimonabant and its made by those pesky Frenchies. So this pill works to cure obesity and cigarette smoking. WONDERFUL! I mean jezz, this is something the western industrialized world needs. So many people out there over weight or smokers or both, all of which slowly ripping their life expectancy away peice by peice. Ok people, that was all sarcassem. The pill works on the brain...well here. This is from comcast news as reported by Malcom Ritter of AP Science.

"Rimonabant's versatility traces back to its effects on the brain's reward system, circuitry that tells you to keep on doing something. Basically, it appears to help break the connection between an activity like smoking and the rewarding feeling it causes in the brain.

The body has its own marijuana-like substances called endocannabinoids, and they activate certain brain cells that in turn can lead to stimulation of the brain's reward system. Pleasurable things like drinking alcohol are thought to activate a feeling of reward by acting through the endocannabinoid system."

http://www.comcast.net/News/HEALTHWELLNESS//XML/1500_Health__medical/7507afbb-fd82-464b-aea7-90fa0de32938.html

When reading this article, I was again humor striken. This pill will treat alcoholism, smoking, obesity, drug abuse and any other thing considered a vice. Masturbation, chores, excelling in work/school/social life and learning new things. Lets not stop there. How about making a beautiful peice of art work or meeting someone new. From what this article says, it destroys activites that has a rewarding feeling in the brain...so thus am I am in error to assume that this pretains to all things creating that rewarding feeling....vice or otherwise? How can this pill determine that one activity is bad while anouther is good when all activites that we consciously choose to do are from the same desire...to feel better. People eat becuase there sad to take there mind off it. People smoke when there anxious to loose up. People drink alcohol to escape. People do art to release those emotions, garden to relax, pray to unburden. Wouldnt this pill nullify the beauty in all these things? People need encouragement in a spiritual way (not just christian people but as human beings) to free themselves of the vices...NOT A DAMN PILL! Well then again, if they want to not feel and be the numb cog in society, then so be it. I adore Huxley for his ability to call this one a good while ago. And the horrible part, both in the book and in real life, people wont give a damn.

Craziness.....

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 16:52:37 GMT

I dont know what the hell brought this dream on but the vividness was far beyond anything I have ever dreamt. I dont know how it jumped from one point to the other in the begining but the 2 first parts involved me riding the bus into NYC and trying to find my sisters apt and the second was my fathers house and how this was in the future. We had some issues with my father getting old and my (siblings) were all arguing about something. Someone was threatening my father to hand him all his land north of 73 or else he would turn him over to some authorites. Now my father right now has a small yard in middle class suburbia but in the dream he owned land that stretched in a v with a lake right in the crest of it. So this future dream went on to the next where I am in the future but appear the same way I do today. I dont know where I am at or why but it started out with me in an auditorium or some sort of meeting hall. I am out of place and confused and the speaker had taken an intrest in me for some reason. They show (stupid starwars) hans solo, chewbaka, liea and luke in a line. Suddenly hans and chewie start shaking and turning into each other. chewie/hans screams and falls to the floor as a female and hans/chewie stands tall and howls. I freak out and take off running. I find myself in a church which I feel to be some sort of sancutary where I can figure out where the hell I am. I walk the halls and the nuns kept glancing at me. I ask them if there was a place to eat and they say lowest level. I try to make myself laugh and slide down a couple of the banisters. At the bottom, I meet up with someone who I feel to be a friend who with these two girls leads me into the main chamber. The doors in are revolving, on the back wall was this video game advertisement, a ping-pong table and many people dressed casually. The confession booths were all along the side wall but no one had any intrest in them. We walked around in there, then decided to go outside. We sit in his car and he pulls out some sort of drug and begins to smoke it. I turn it down as they get high and something is said to piss the one girl off, and she heads out, I leave also. I went in search of food again and while walking in this huge city, I thought maybe calling my family would be the best bet. When I tried to dial on this phone, it said invalid directional code and I began to panic. I found a big group of people all going into this messhall type of place. I go in and sit at a table with anouther guy and two girls. There, the one girl across from me begins to nudge my leg with hers and they guy has to tap me on my arm to show me she is smiling at me. He laughs when he sees that I am shocked and dares me to kiss her. She learns foward and I thought why not. So a big lip smack and she flings herself back with a look of terror. Everyone in the hall all turn to us and the guy said something to the affect of I was only kidding man and that they were calling the police. I jumped off and took off running. The cops pulled up as I turned the corner, and I kept running for a while. I came across this mechanics building with all these future like cars pulled up front. I found a dunken' Donuts in some back ally and when I went inside to get food, I picked up this thing of pastries. The price on the bottom 58 dollars. I picked up a snack cake and it was 18 dollars. I woke up soon after that wondering what the fuck I ate to bring all that on.
So if we ever develop something called a directional code for our phones, I wish to be known as a seer rather then a psychopath. Least I can ask for, right?

BIRTHDAY 2004

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 08:47:31 GMT

After many years of trying to get this birthday situation right and failing miserably, I believe I actually hit the nail on the head this year. I have a habit of allowing my expectations to go too high and then something always comes along and fucks it up....Alot of times it was becuase I included other people who sometimes didnt mix well, people that couldnt exert as much personality as I would like or just not well planned events. Regardless this year I did away with all external difficulties, told myself I was going to enjoy this birthday OR ELSE, and kept the idea that "Its my birthday and I am going to do whatever the hell I want. Its my right and no one is going to fuck it up for me." Now no one get offended when I say that people screw things up and I know for sure even I do it to others. It seems to be that worry of what the other person is thinking, if their enjoying themselves and any other anxiety outside of that day always seems to come up. SO ANYWAY....
I fell asleep last night after a jack and coke while watching John Carpenters Prince of darkness. I set my alarm for 11:30 with the intention of figuring out something to do. Well for whatever reason which I assume was just the excitement of knowing this day is mine, I woke up at 9am. This isnt like me. I got up, got dressed and searched online for things to do in the city. I stumbled on the website for the Metropolitan Museum of Art and decided why the hell not. It felt right and I went with it. So I had my birthday lunch in this little european provisions place (perrogies and green tea) and headed to South Amboy. I rode the train in around 1 and walked from penn station (33rd) to the museum (82nd) with my big headphones on. The whole time I had a smile on my face and I know people probably took me for a fool but I couldnt help it. I was alone surrounded by millions of people lost in my music and thoughts. It was incredible. I am tired....its 3:30 so I am going to sum this up quickly.
Museum of Art - Great though looking at this old items made me feel quite sad. First of all most are obviously retouched and only partially original. This wouldnt bother me as much, nor would it bother with me if they were replicas, if instead of just being shown these classic items, we are told what sparked their creation. I want to hear of the madness of the artist who was depicting the worse version of hell he could imagine. I want to hear of the misery, happiness and such. These things are what sparks true art. This got me thinking that most of the artwork is by people who trained their whole lives in the field to be of service to kings, emperors, churches and they may have the beauty down but I cant see the emotion in their work. Anyhow there were some paintings and other items that cought my eye, that I am sure will haunt me tonight.
I left the museum and got a good laugh out of toying with my mother. Like most people, she is deathly afraid of the city and here I am...her child, alone, IN HELL! So for the rest of the night she called every 30 minutes and I continued to make little cracks about how i befriended homeless people and how I plan to get drunk enough to NOT find the train home....She wasnt too fond of me being in a liquor store either. I was in search of a wine Hesse mentioned in a novel and I couldnt pass up the chance while waiting for my show to start.
After the museum I walked anouther 30 blocks to barnes and noble to buy Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse (A novel close to my sanity), then rode the bus to Penn. While there I debated with myself for a while then came to the conclusion to stick with this birthday being lived through in solitude and walked to 4th to see the BLUE MAN GROUP! YES PEOPLE!!!! THE BLUE-MAN GROUP! I had my birthday dinner in a cheap little chinese food place and saw the 10 o'clock show. And it was too perfect. I laughed myself to tears, got shit on my favorite hoodie and sat eatting pringles with the largest smile on my face. There are few, I think, who would of found the same level of enjoyment from that show. They had their music with the PVC pipes....great. They had their comedic wit throughout....great. They shot...well a suprise left untold but they did have roles of paper that was...unbelievable. The last though which was by far the greatest was their satire in a few skits poking fun at moderm technology and I was touched. They also made fun of "Rockers" from today.
I really did it no justice in this entry and I know it seems quite depressing but as I had to reassure EVERYONE who called me, I went to the city alone by choice and I stayed their alone by choice and I enjoyed it more then I could have with a well planned social event. Outside of a few minor things that having someone there would of helped with, it was the best birthday EVER! Well atleast until next year. It was great and just what I wanted to do and if anyone asks why didnt I invite you, I am going to say really harsh things. Really really harsh things. Do not anger me!
Yeah buddy....
So anyone wanting to entertain me for my birthday, I already handed out 3 rain checks and have many more to spare. Come on...you know you want to. What kind of person wouldnt want to have a big fuzzy headed Ray for an evening?

hey....

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 06:17:52 GMT

Its my birthday....*Shhhh*

WARNING::: This is MY ideals. -Politics and beliefs- Do not read if either offend

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 00:19:04 GMT

"without an enemy, there is no war."

Now I am one to stick to my ideas that everyone is entitled to their views and such. Also I am not one to get into the politcal circus due to some serious disillusionment with the system as a whole. But this is an exception. I just read bits and peices of what Bin Laden said on his video release and I was smiling. He is a very intelligent man, who due to his ideals orchestrated a massive attack. His ideals are not "oh, I hate freedom...I hate your ideals....Im-a-gonna kill you all" as it is commonly portrayed. The news system of our country happens to be very flawed in this sence. I dont accept what he did as right but I also dont accept that our country has been aiding other countries to opress and murder his people. His justification for his actions I can readily agree with, though the actions themself I cannot. And it is especially horrible that here this man is (for he may rely on shaddy methods to stand up for the things he believes in, but he is still a man) having a view on this political race. Here...

"Despite entering the fourth year after Sept. 11, Bush is still deceiving you and hiding the truth from you and therefore the reasons are still there to repeat what happened (with new attacks)," he said.

In what seemed a deliberate attempt to influence Tuesday's U.S. election, bin Laden used the opening line: "O American people, I am speaking to tell you about the ideal way to avoid another Manhattan, about war and its causes and results."

Funny huh? For all of you that I actually have shared my views with on the election, you understand that I am torn between standing up for what i believe to be right or doing my part to insure that the whole bush cabinet is removed. I think because of this two party system we *seemily* have, that it gives us the choice of worse or worser....dumb and dumber. Its ridicules that you tell someone you dont care for either canidiate and they respond with "why would you throw your vote away like that". That right there just shows how horrible the system is and it doesnt help that our news on all forms of media play right into it. We are shown what the goverment wants us to see and as good old Ralphie Nader has pointed out, corporate corruption runs both the goverment (minorly) and the media (majorly). Regardless, this is a tad off subject. *IF* Bin Laden did orchestrate the entire attack for his ideals (I still question the whole situation) he did so in the attempt to wake up the world today to the things going on. Their culture is unformed and needs to be encouraged to become something better. His actions were a last resort it seems (again from what Ive read) and all it gained was a war on two countries which thus opresses and kills those in those countries, ruins their culture and threatens their way of life on a more massive level then what happened to iniate their behaviors in the first place. Bush AND Kerry's reasoning for the war are different but the fact that they plan to find and KILL every terrorist will only lead to more radicals. "Bush" (our goverment in the last four years) has only lead to alot of disgrace for America as a whole and....

I was just asked by my stepmother if I saw the bin laden video. I told her what I felt and she attacked my views. I pointed out the arguement of violence beggeting violence and she said we should just drop a nuke on the whole damned country and be done with it. Kill them all...the only answer. *sigh*

The more I look at this whole thing, the more I want to go back to my classic feeling of watching everything going on instead of being part of it because unless most, I dont listen to what the officals say or what advertisements on television. Nowadays we have the whole world at our finger tips with the internet and people are still too uncaring to study the facts. They just go by what they are told by the wonderful idiot box and the idiots on it. When a world event catches my attention, I look up a few different sources in order to verify that I am not getting one biased opinion. Anyway enough rambeling. Bin Laden, what you did was bad. I understand your motives (like a father understands a kids theft of something to give as a gift) but that doesnt give you the right to take so many lifes in such a horrible way. We need to teach children to work for the gift as we need to encourage a society to grow out of its unformed ways. We cant expect this kid to learn a lesson about theft by beating their ass and sending them to the room....nightly.....for four years straight. It breeds contempt and anger.
For all those about to attack me, americans died and it upsets me at the core. Worse, people have died in the 3 world countries from what we believed to be the best option for a long time. This pains me....but the worst thing is how much people are prospering because of what is going on now. Not everyone that we know but those higher up in our wonderful society. This hurts me the most because everyone under them must suffer for them to prosper.

Without an enemy there is no war.

I apologize for having my own views, which I feel to be as unbiased and "right" as yours.

Traveling the roads of my mind....

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 03:23:40 GMT

...I sometimes get lost. HA!

Ray